you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
