Where is the hickey?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
pray to the hookup gods
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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