is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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