PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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