my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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