My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
