what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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