my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
