i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
