My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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