Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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