i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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