Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
