After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
