my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I want a musical about memes.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
