a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
