Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
