I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
