dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
