im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
