she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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