Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
