DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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