So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
40s are totally the cure
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
