did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
