Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
