i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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