Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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