hotel room ftw
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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