i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
