you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
