My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
