She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
