Little spoons don't ask big questions
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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