Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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