Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
