i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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