you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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