I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
