at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
