She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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