I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
