So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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