Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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