So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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