Im at strip club and am horny
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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