My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
