i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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