They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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