God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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