I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
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You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
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Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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