just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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