I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
